A group’s conductor (or “pitch”, as I’m told you kids call them sometimes) making big, stupid movements with their arms that are supposed to keep the group singing together but really aren’t doing anything at all but making you look like you’re doing the funky chicken. Usually, the crappier the group, the bigger the arm movements. I don’t mind seeing a little bit of visual direction going on sometimes (though you would have been beaten up if you’d tried to pull that little stunt on the streetcorner in my day!), but the men who bring 747’s into the jetway don’t flap their arms as much as some of you folks. And for God’s sake why? Is it really that important that everyone knows that you’re the director? Maybe if your group practiced a little harder, you wouldn’t need to tell everyone what to do on stage!
Stupid hats. Self-explanatory.
That lame little standing-in-place, legs together, hip-swingy half-assed dance that you girls like to do when you’re singing a lead. I don’t think I need to say anything more about that one, either, do I?
Sheepishly stepping out of a semi-circle to sing a little solo line, and then stepping back again. I can understand why many groups like the semi-circle, especially when you have too damn many people in the group. And I can see why you’d want everyone to have a little moment in the sun, not just the flappy-armed director and the two other people who hog all the solos. So if you have a little solo line (I’m talking to you, Mr. “I can’t believe they’re letting me sing that line in ‘Lonesome Road’!”), do it with gusto! You’re an a cappella singer, not a participant in a 12-step program.
Handling a microphone like it’s a hot potato. I know that a lot of you don’t have a lot of experience with microphones. Hell, I never needed one. But as I understand it, if you hold it in your hand and sing into it, sound will come out of the speakers if it’s hooked up right. Yet some of you insist on moving it around like you were Jackson Pollack, and the mic is your paintbrush. Maybe there’s a technical reason for it that ol’ Pug isn’t aware of, but if there’s not, I’ve got to level with you: it makes you look like a world-class nitwit.
Acting like you’re standing in front of a band and a 20-foot-high Marshall stack. No matter how much you squint your eyes or lean back like you’re holding a guitar while singing “Pinball Wizard” or something by The Creed, no one is ever going to mistake you for a rock star. The best you can hope for is pity.
That “My brother is a fireman” musical skit thing. I don’t care who puts out fires, and no one ever says the last word the last time around. It’s just stupid.
So for all of our sakes, if any of you think you might do these things sometimes, ask a friend if it's true. And if they're a good enough pal to tell you that you do, listen to your good friend Pug and just cut it out. You’re really only hurting yourself.
God bless,
-Pug
Pug James is a big a cappella fan, and he knows what works. He doesn't care if you don't like what he thinks, and you can write him at
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