So before you head out on the road – even before you quit your day job, if you should be so foolish -- you need a Food Battle Plan (or “FBP”, as we say in The Biz***). Of course every band is different, but here are some of the questions you need to ask yourself:
-what can we afford to spend?
-what kind of food does everyone prefer (for democracies)? What kind of food do I prefer (for benevolent dictatorships)?
-when can/should we eat? Do we really need a Rooty-tooty Fresh ‘n’ Frooty every morning, or will a hotel muffin and coffee fill the void until lunch? Does anyone in the band get all cranky and out-of-tune if he/she doesn’t eat before the show?
Nothing will be solved once you have your FBP, because you will not follow it. But you can at least take comfort in the knowledge that you made a plan. And we can feel like we’ve done our duty as columnists by giving you good, practical advice.
Now that that’s out of the way, here are our unqualified opinions about food on the road:
- Seek out the local food. Avoid chains. Ask your fans or the venue if there’s a local or regional specialty, or a restaurant that’s especially good. If they tell you “We have an Olive Garden”, kick them in the doo-dads****.
- Get someone else to pay. Put food in your tech rider. Beg if you have to. When fans ask if you want to grab a burger after a show, do it. Nine times out of ten they’ll pick up the tab in exchange for hanging out with your marvelous self.
- Tip well. Don’t be a jerk. You’re a hair’s breath away from foodservice yourself.
- If you’re at a steakhouse and they ask you if you want “the bacon”, you say “YES.” Self-explanatory. Vegetarians and those who keep kosher are (grudgingly) exempted.
- Do NOT visit White Castle late at night. You will be tempted by the thought of little square burgers peppered with desiccated onion bits. Resist this urge. We speak from experience. Especially do not order anything deep-fried, especially especially not the clam strips.
- Good Mexican food can now be found anywhere in the USA. And I don’t mean Chi-Chi’s. Don’t be afraid to try that hole-in-the-wall in Iowa or Alabama. More often than not, you’ll be richly rewarded.
- If you’re from the East Coast, beware of pizza in the Midwest. Especially in Grand Rapids, Michigan. You will be disappointed. In a pinch, however, Papa John’s will get the job done.
{mosimage}- Find your balance point on hydration. Too few fluids and your voice will be useless come showtime. Too many and the van stops every twenty minutes. Bottles of Arizona Iced Tea are helpful in achieving this balance*****.
- Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets. Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets are the most perfect food ever. They come packed with all the Tapioca Flour, Salt, Isolated Soy Protein, Propylene Glycol Monostearate, and Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable Shortening that a growing body needs. And they come in three-packs, meaning you can share one and still have two left; how many things in life can you say that about? ******
- Don’t tank up right before showtime. You try breathing properly after packing away a 48-ounce porterhouse. It’s not easy. Doable, but not easy.
- Learn what everyone’s “smelly food” is -- and avoid it. As a group, Da Vinci’s Notebook was in love with Indian food, but it tended to lend a certain…atmosphere to our shows******* if we ate too much of it, especially before showtime.
We could go on and on, and probably will some other time. But we hope that this little article will at least get you thinking about how important it is to eat right when traveling.
Happy Dining,
Paul and Storm
*whether or not Napoleon actually said this is debatable, but it sure sounds good, don’t it?
**we’d have said “he or she” but a) more often than not, it’s men that engage in this type of behavior, and b) you’re oversensitive, and we’re not going to cater to you.
***nobody really says this. We just like to coin phrases and acronyms.
****metaphorically. Paul and Storm do not endorse or condone violence.
*****guys, you know what we’re talking about; ladies, best not to think about it too much.
******this isn’t so much advice, really, as it is an endorsement. We really love Butterscotch Krimpets, and if we mention them publicly enough times, they might send us some free ones.
*******Paul, who had to stand next to Storm on stage in DVN shows, wishes to place particular emphasis this point********.
******** It should be noted that Paul has had his moments as well.
Click on the wrench in the upper left-hand corner to see what else you can do.