HomeBlogssingabelle's blogLoLo’s NoNos: Dressing For The Stage Edition

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That’s it! I‘ve had enough! Ladies and gentlemen, after what I’m pretty sure has been years of me warning you all, it has finally happened...I have seen a butt.

Oh no, this was not any ol’ butt, it was a sneaky little (big) thing. Just snuck right out of the bottom of some girl’s dress while she was on stage at a competition. And let me just say, while I am sure there are some people out there that would appreciate her butt for what it is, I really wasn’t in the mood to see an almost fully exposed red thong. Just didn’t seem appropriate for whatever Sara Bareilles or Katy Perry song her group was obligated to sing. Well I guess it could work if it was Katy Perry, but that’s beside the point.

The point is: WHY CAN’T PEOPLE MANAGE TO DRESS FOR THE STAGE? It’s really not that hard, and yet people always seem to fail. So this has inspired what I like to call “LoLo’s NoNos”.

From here on out I will be bringing you a little piece of my insight on common mistakes I’ve seen on the a cappella stage. And now, NoNo #1:

If you can’t move in it, don’t wear it.

Simple enough. Let’s think about all of the things you do on stage. You sing, probably dance a little, almost definitely aca-bop, you might be convulsing because you’re the group’s percussionist, and for some completely unknown reason you might be doing all of these things while conducting. Now while I think you look pretty darn silly for doing almost any of that (except maybe singing... and that’s a maybe), that sure is a lot of movement at one time. So why look even sillier in something you can’t move in?

Ladies, unless you might be making some extra money on the side, let’s be honest, you probably aren’t very comfortable wearing 5+ inch heels on stage. First of all, most of you don’t know how to walk in heels to begin with. How do I know this? Because the majority of young women I’ve seen walk on stage in heels do more of a trot than walk. Yes, trotting... like a horse.

But once you’ve semi-successfully arrived on stage, the audience now has the pleasure of watching you attempt to not break your ankles the entire time that you’re performing. I’m not saying don’t wear heels, just make sure you’re comfortable and can walk in them! I prefer flats myself (has to do with the fact that I’m only 5 feet tall and enjoy a low center of gravity) because they’re easier to move in. So let’s compromise, if you just really really, really need to wear heels: first, hire Miss. J from America’s Next Top Model to teach you how to walk. Next, try to settle on 2-3 inch heels instead.

So now that we’ve dealt with footwear, let us learn a lesson from that butt I mentioned earlier. Here is a novel idea, if you insist on wearing a dress that lands approximately 3 centimeters below your lady bits, why don’t you test it out beforehand... make sure nothing falls out. “But LoLo, I’m wearing tights!” Let me tell you something about tights... THEY ARE STILL SEE-THROUGH! In fact, “the butt” was wearing tights... and I still saw her butt. And those lady bits to north, how hard is it to make sure the girls are locked and loaded? Most of the time it looks like “the girls” are having more fun on stage than any of the singers. So, why don’t you invest in something like... a well-fitted bra? Or think of the consequences of wearing a tube top? If nothing is holding those puppies up, do you really think that top is going to stay there? Big or little, tube tops are NEVER a good idea.

Look, what I’m saying is, it’s not fun for any audience to be on crotch watch or constantly wondering if a boob is going to pop out at any moment. (I guess that might uh... excite some people.) I’m also going to be quite frank- as if that was a surprise- and let you know that if “sexy” is what you’re going for... slutty does not equal sexy. Sexy is confidence on stage, not constantly watching you pull your dress down because it is too tight and keeps riding up. Speaking of too tight, may I ask what the appeal is in looking like a stuffed sausage on stage? But that will be further discussed during another no-no.

Guys, you are not safe from this. I get it, skinny jeans are “in”. But if they are so skinny that you can’t move, you are doing something wrong! Then you like to make your pants even tighter and leave your cell phone in your pocket. No one, I repeat, NO ONE in the audience cares that you have an iPhone. It really just makes you look kind of... square. (Take that how you want.)

So here’s a tip: dress rehearsal! I know that you don’t always get the chance to, but a dress rehearsal is something that should definitely happen for big things like competitions or larger concerts. Make sure that you never feel uncomfortable in whatever outfit you’re in. Another good tip (for the ladies AND the guys) is to practice in the shoes you’re going to perform in. Stretch them out, make sure they’re comfortable and that you`re not going to slide or break your ankles. There is just no point in compromising a performance by looking more silly than you already do.

But the most important thing here is, don’t be the next butt. (Really...it was quite uncomfortable.) Until next time!

About the author:
Lo Barreiro (@LoLoAlexandra) is a recent Boston transplant from Florida, where she studied music and recreation management at Florida State University and is currently serving as the CASA Ambassador for the Greater Boston Area. At FSU, Lo sang with and directed AcaBelles (@AcaBelles), FSU's first and only all-female a cappella group. Over the last year, she has been focusing on her duties as a producer and consultant for The Vocal Company (@thevocalcompany), while taking on multiple writing projects, including articles for CASA.org and her own blog, Acalosophy (@Acalosophy). Lo's latest endeavor is the all-female professional sextet Musae (@MusaeVocal).

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Comments

call me crazy

but....boob & ass watch don't offend me at all.  teh sluttier teh better!  but...i'm a man, so....take that how you want :-P

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